Wow, another year down and another already underway. As I have been looking back over 2011, I remember so many different emotions, anticipations and changes. I began 2011 with excitement and eager anticipation of who the next child would be that God would add to our family. Naively, although still good and right, we were so excited about helping the plight of the orphan, rescuing one of the "least of these" and providing a loving home. Compassion and passion filled our hearts and minds for the calling that God had given us. To act and bring this child home whomever that may be. Then we received the phone call and even before seeing a face, our hearts were swayed for this little girl dropped off at an orphanage in Africa. From that point, we were driven to bring her home - why should she wait in an orphanage one day longer than necessary?! Thankfully, God's timing matched with ours and we sailed through the rest of the process and left to bring her home in record time. We boarded the airplane with many other adoptive and proud parents, all anxious to return home and really begin life. The seat belt sign went on and that "real life" we were so anxious to start, began. We were thrown headlong into parenting a new child as Elle threw a fit right there in the seat for the next hour until the seat belt sign went off and we could remove it.
Now I am thankful to note that we really have not had many of these experiences with her, as she is one of the most congenial children in the world! But for some reason, this rocked MY world and solidified the fact that we really had no relationship with her, although in our minds we had already created one. I am sure that all of the "la-la land" emotions and thoughts until this point were necessary to get us through the process, but I completely overestimated myself. I was boasting in my own good deeds and self righteousness. Yes, we were being faithful and doing what God had called us to, but somewhere along the line, I became arrogant and overly confident in myself. I had forgotten that God likes to use our relationships, marriages and
children to make us holy and more into his image, not necessarily happy. Although that is a perk! And when "real life" descended upon me in that airplane, I became faced with, perhaps, the biggest challenge I have ever had...myself and my sin.
I still firmly believe that we have done what we were called to do, that Elle is the child chosen to be in our family and that adoption is good and right and a reflection of the Father's love for us, his adopted sons. But, I failed to see that this journey was not about our actions to
rescue a child, that was just the beginning. The part where the story reads, "Happily Ever After," everyone smiles, congratulates you on finally having your child home, and they close the book on another happy family. They walk by and flash a smile of pity and sympathy for Elle and undeserved admiration for us. What people don't know or see, are all of the ways that I daily fail to reflect the love of the Father, not just to Elle but to Addie and Ian, as well. Daily life has a way of causing you to lose some of your compassion and sympathy. Without these blinders on, it is very hard to miss the glaring shortcomings of your own selfish needs and desires. At times I feel overcome and trapped by them. Why did I begin this journey so blissfully and arrogantly unaware of my selfish expectations? How am I to overcome them? How will life ever feel "normal" again? Do I really want to return to "normal," where I go throughout life without feeling the daily need of my savior and the weight of my sin that he bore? My answer is yes and no. "Yes," I know that life will level out. This past year has been exceptional and being pregnant in the midst of everything else definitely taints my outlook and feelings. But above those realities, is the one that I know my God will not leave me lacking and has great plans for me and these little ones he has planted around us. The other answer is "No," I don't want to forget the sacrifice made for me, a wretched sinner incapable of lifting myself out of the mire. So as I move into another year, I pray that daily, "I will not boast in anything. No gifts, no power, no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection."
How Deep the Father's Love for Us
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
